I finally found a vibrating device that will end my quest for bedroom bliss

And now, as they say, something completely different. Ladies! Are you yearning for bliss in the bedroom? Are you yearning for a higher level of satisfaction? A gadget that will increase your pleasure and boost your rhapsody?

Well, look no further. I found it. I am not one to exaggerate, but I can honestly say that my marriage has not only been saved, but it has been taken to unexpected heights – not bad considering we met before the first Motorola came out.

Of course, innovative bedroom gadgets promising earth—or seismic movement—are nothing new. Why, I wrote about this a while back and a company that makes “adult toys” sent me something for free.

It was a worryingly large package – because it contained not one, but two items; a controller and a suggestive-looking insert. The idea was that the woman would stick the curved part where, ahem, the sun don’t shine and go about her daily business, while her partner randomly shocked her, so she probably fell to her knees in Sainsbury’s or did When Harry met Sally in the haberdashery department of the John Lewis store.

Who would have thought? Let’s just say that when I unpacked the device, my husband was very excited because he thought it was a device for dogs; a beeper that you can attach to your dog’s collar and remotely control to stop barking. When I explained its true purpose, he was – there’s no other word for it – horrified.

“Will you call me when I’m in town?” I demanded, perhaps a little more forcefully than I intended.

“What? No! Absolutely not!” he replied in agony.

“Why not?”

“You probably mean – dear God – why, oh why would I do that?”

“Because it will be delightfully naughty. That’s what it says on the leaflet.”

At that point he walked away, shaking his head and looking shocked. “OK Boomer!” I shouted at his retreating back. “I don’t think it’s the slightest bit delightfully rude either. But that’s what it says, ‘on the flyer’!”

And that was it. I considered nagging him until he relented, but I knew for a fact he’d forget as soon as I left the house, and I’d have to tread carefully down the High Street, dodging posts and hoping the Costa WiFi wouldn’t throw me off balance. A veer off course that I, and every barista within a two-mile radius, were immensely relieved about.

So outdoor play wasn’t the answer to my bedroom blues. Not a noisy air conditioner, a fancy weighted blanket, or a dawning alarm.

No, this little gadget that brought me endless joy was courtesy of the NHS. What is it? It is, dear readers, a breathing device that stops my husband from roaring like Krakatoa every night.

For years I kept him awake. I thought I had solved it with essential oils but that didn’t last and lately I’ve resorted to earplugs, loud swearing and vigorous pinching in endless breaks in case he snores one last time.

I wasn’t the only one to suffer; in fact, somewhere along the way, my nearest and dearest developed obstructive sleep apnea, a condition that leads to the airway becoming blocked for 10 seconds or more. This lack of oxygen causes the brain to interrupt sleep, so the airway reopens.

The result is poor quality sleep at night, exhaustion during the day, a higher risk of heart attack, stroke (definitely not the good kind) and – although the NHS website doesn’t mention it – an angry, sleep-deprived partner.

Long story short, he passed the tests and got a CPAP machine. You can look up what that means, but I’ll tell you it’s the damn best thing I’ve ever encountered in bed.

It doesn’t look at all like the gritty Darth Vader versions that were available. Instead, it’s a small, clear plastic mask that fits over your nose. I could use the term “piggy,” but I promised my husband I wouldn’t. So let’s just say “piggy” in a sweet, Kid Type of road.

A small machine blows air into a tube attached to the mask, which then keeps the airway open. Best of all, it makes no sound. None!

I no longer have to go to bed a few hours earlier to make sure I get enough sleep before the chainsaw starts cutting. I don’t wake up with murderous thoughts. I sleep like a lecher. I wake up like a goddess.

Ladies, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise; there are few things more sensual than silence. And absolutely nothing is sexier than a damn good night’s sleep.