Drawing up a prenuptial agreement for a homosexual couple

A few years into my relationship with my partner, we were both listening to an episode of This is Uncomfortable , a podcast that delves into stories about how money affects relationships. In that particular episode, a couple has a prenuptial agreement in the months before their wedding and realizes that it doesn’t mean they don’t believe their relationship will last—they just want to have provisions in case the marriage breaks down. Listening to that episode was the catalyst for my partner and I to start talking about prenups, and we agreed that we both wanted one. But at that point, we didn’t know what the process would look like as a queer couple.

During our five-year relationship, I had started a freelance writing business and had been saving and investing diligently, and I knew I wanted to protect those assets. My partner had a car that she owned, and she also wanted to keep the earnings from what she had saved.

So after we got engaged, we began the process of getting a prenuptial agreement. We each sought legal representation, but as we filled out the prenuptial forms, it became clear how heteronormative the process could be.

We did not want to rely on traditional gender roles to decide what our financial justice should look like.

After my consultation with my attorney, I opened my inbox to find an intake form with fields for “husband” and “wife,” which didn’t sit right with us as future wives. The anger I felt was so deep—it was my first time going through the new process, and now I had to explain to my attorney why this intake form made me feel like I didn’t belong. We didn’t want to rely on traditional gender roles to decide what our financial justice would look like—my partner and I were both high-income earners who planned to pursue careers and didn’t plan to have children.

Luckily, I discovered Mehera Nori, owner and principal attorney at Pride Law PLLC, a queer, BIPOC-owned law firm who ended up representing my partner in the prenuptial agreement process. She reminded us that we were right to want one in the first place. Queering the prenup process meant we could show how much we cared about each other, even in conversations where we had to discuss what separation would look like.

As Nori explained, a prenup wasn’t meant to protect one partner more than the other, and it didn’t mean we loved each other less. It was a way for both of us to protect assets that were important to us. This contradicted the narrative that often came up in our initial research on prenuptial agreements, which were typically aimed at women, encouraging them to protect themselves from their future husbands.

With Nori’s help, we were finally able to write a prenup that made sense to us. Here’s what we learned and what to consider if you’re considering a prenup as a queer couple.

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Mehera Nori is the owner and principal attorney at Pride Law PLLC, an LGBTQ+ and BIPOC-owned and operated law firm.

Deciding if a prenuptial agreement is right for us

Nori helped me and my partner understand that a prenup is a way for a couple to decide how their assets will be divided in the event of separation or death. My partner and I live in a state with community property laws, meaning that our assets would be divided equally if I didn’t have a prenup. That didn’t seem right to us because we had assets that felt like they were all ours.

“Before you even draft a prenup, it’s important to understand how your state views marital property and how it might be divided in the event of separation or death,” Nori says. “Most assets remain separate, but some can be divided or claimed by one person if both partners contributed during the relationship.”

There are also some unique aspects to prenups for queer couples who plan to have a family together. For example, Nori says a prenup can be used to determine how genetic material, like embryos, is treated in the event of a separation. If this applies to you, contact a family law attorney in your state to learn more about the intricacies of what to consider.

Nori admits that a prenuptial agreement is not a solution for every couple, especially if both partners have the same income and assets.

“You can start by having open conversations about your monetary and non-monetary contributions and how you share access to assets,” she says. “If something changes, there’s always the opportunity to create a postnuptial agreement or other agreement.”

Defining Integrity on Our Own Terms

Even before we got engaged, my partner and I had regular conversations about our personal finances: our savings, any debts, and spending habits aligned with our values. That was just the beginning—when we were working out our prenup, we had to track and share the value of all our assets, potential inheritances, and any debts we were currently paying off. We also had to talk about spousal support and how much, if anything, we would give each other if we separated.

When we didn’t share equally, we found ways to divide the assets in a way that felt right to us. In our case, we decided that if we separated, I would get the entire down payment on our house back, since I had originally paid it all out of pocket, and we would split the proceeds from the sale of our house proportionally to our income.

“A prenuptial agreement should be fair and equitable to both parties, and it doesn’t have to be 50/50,” says Nori. “It’s important that the document is done honestly, that both partners are transparent about their assets, and that each party consults with separate attorneys and has enough time to review it and get advice from an attorney before signing.”

While a prenup may not be the place to focus on non-monetary contributions like childcare, financial management, and household chores, Nori says it’s still worth talking to both partners about how those responsibilities are divided. Talking about them can help both partners understand how they contribute to the relationship in visible and invisible ways. “Sometimes I encourage couples to create a values ​​statement to remind themselves why they’re creating this document and why they want each person to be treated fairly,” she suggests.

Everyone divides their assets and responsibilities in their own way. But with the changing political landscape, Nori says it’s important for queer couples to be aware of how the state might treat an existing prenup if a same-sex marriage is invalidated in the U.S. A marriage or marital agreement can be a way for queer couples to protect themselves and their future.

When my partner and I wrote our prenuptial agreement, we felt ready to enter into marriage with a document we never intended to use, but we’re glad we had it. A prenup may not be right for everyone, but it’s always worth talking about whether it’s right for you.

“There are many ways people can build wealth, and it’s worth protecting it,” Nori says. “It’s hard to counter the narrative that you have to share everything with your partner, and it’s important to remember that a prenuptial agreement is about protecting financial assets and doesn’t govern the day-to-day aspects of a relationship.”

Aleenah Ansari is a queer Pakistani writer based in Seattle. She writes about travel, entrepreneurship, mental health and wellness, and has written for PS, Insider, The Seattle Times, Byrdie, and more.