I am a working mom and my husband is a stay at home mom. I have dealt with FOMO and he has felt inadequate, but our family is stronger because of it.

• Michaelle Barbor is the family’s primary breadwinner, and her husband is a stay-at-home dad.

• This arrangement has had its challenges and judgement, but it works for their family.

• Their family dynamic is stronger because they have recognized the importance of teamwork, communication and support.

This “as-told” essay is based on a conversation with Michaelle Barbor, a 38-year-old project manager from King, North Carolina. It has been edited for length and clarity.

For about five years now, I have been the breadwinner for a family of four, including our two daughters, aged 11 and 4.

I work a full time 9 to 5 as a project manager and also run an e-commerce company. My husband was a chef before we started converting him to the role of the father-housewife in 2017. He gradually reduced his working hours, and in 2019, around the time of the birth of our second child, we settled into our current positions.

Being the female breadwinner ultimately strengthened our family dynamic and taught us the importance of teamwork, clear communication, and mutual support. My husband and I have become more intentional in our communication, regularly checking in with each other about our needs and challenges.

We found a way to divide tasks that suits us

My husband takes care of school drop-offs, meal prep, cleaning, and most of the day-to-day tasks of raising kids during the week. His culinary skills as a former chef certainly help.

I work mostly from home, which allows me to be more present for my family. We homeschool our daughters, dividing up teaching duties based on strengths; my husband excels at math and history, while I teach language arts and writing every weekday from 7:30 to 9:30.

During the workday, I focus mostly on work, but I can plan my lunch breaks around my kids’ schedules and take walks with them every day. My daughters often bring art supplies and books to my office while I work, and if I’m not in a meeting or working on something urgent, I can read to them.

I try to be fully present during family time in the evenings and on weekends. We have dinner together, work on homework, and engage in family activities like board games or reading. On Sunday mornings, we go on family hikes.

My husband and I also try to make time for each other by spending time together after the kids go to bed at 8:30pm and by having date nights on Saturdays.

Every weeknight from about 9pm to 11.30pm I dedicate time to working on my e-commerce business. I started it in 2017 to gain experience in ERP systems and project management, which I thought would strengthen my job applications. It has since grown into a profitable business.

Combining a full-time job, running an e-commerce business and family life is a challenge

I feel fulfilled because I am able to support my family through multiple sources of income that add up to over six figures. My husband also contributes to our income through his passion project of selling vintage and used Lego sets on Facebook Marketplace.

But I also feel a lot of pressure as the primary breadwinner, solely responsible for the financial well-being of our family. When the company I work for full time went through a round of layoffs last year, I was very concerned about potentially losing our main source of income. This stress caused me to be distracted from family time and sometimes snap at my husband over minor issues.

Juggling the mental load of multiple responsibilities can also be exhausting. There have been times when I’ve been at an important work meeting, worried about a pending order for my company, or reminded myself that I promised to help with a school project. Sometimes this leads to moments of forgetfulness or irritability at home.

Last holiday season, I was swamped with deadlines for a big project at my full-time job while my online sales increased. I sometimes found myself working until 2 or 3 a.m. to juggle both responsibilities and being less present with my family.

My husband and I remain flexible and adapt to the needs

During busy times in my business, he becomes even more involved, taking on bedtime routines and managing weekend activities without me. He also helps me with the business by managing inventory and handling shipping.

When he needs a break, I take on more of the household chores. Last summer, he told me he was feeling burnt out after a particularly difficult week with the kids and asked for a day off to recharge. I took the day off from work, took care of all the chores and childcare, and encouraged him to spend the day doing his hobbies and relaxing. It gave him a much-needed break and gave me a deeper appreciation for his daily responsibilities.

I also try to find time off from my full-time job and e-commerce business to go on vacation with my family, attend special events, or just have a day off from work.

Our arrangement suits us, but sometimes I feel “mom FOMO”

One of the most rewarding aspects of our arrangement has been watching my husband bond so closely with our children. Our children appreciate having their father around the house, which gives them a sense of stability and constant support.

But as a working mom, I sometimes experience “mom FOMO” when I miss important milestones in their lives or when I see how naturally kids turn to their dads for comfort and help.

One morning I came downstairs to find my youngest daughter proudly showing my husband a picture she had drawn. “Look, Dad! I drew our family!” she exclaimed. She had drawn herself, her sister, and my husband in great detail, but I was a stick figure off to the side, hunched over what looked like a computer. It was a raw, innocent representation of how my absence was felt. My heart sank and it really made me realize how important it is to find better balance, even during hectic work periods.

While I don’t always have control over the demands of work, it reminded me to make a conscious effort to be present and engaged when I’m with my family, and to carve out device-free time for them whenever possible.

My husband and I have had to navigate complex relationships and have open conversations.

My husband has been incredibly supportive of my career and business, but we had to work through his initial feelings of inadequacy, despite the immense value of his role at home. He had been working continuously since he was 16, so adjusting to staying at home was initially a challenge for him.

He once confessed that he felt he wasn’t “contributing enough” because his job didn’t generate a significant income. We both grew up with traditional expectations that men were the primary breadwinners and women were the primary caregivers. Adjusting to our current arrangement required us to challenge these deeply held beliefs and reassure each other of the value we each bring to our family in different ways.

We’ve also encountered raised eyebrows and inquiries from family members and friends. A relative once asked my husband when he was “going back to work,” implying that being a full-time parent wasn’t a real job. At a neighborhood barbecue, someone asked my husband what he “really does all day” since he’s “just” a full-time dad.

We have learned to be confident in our choices and respond to such comments by emphasizing the importance of my husband’s role in our family and the joint decision we made for the good of our family.

Our unconventional arrangement has actually strengthened our relationship. We maintain open communication, discuss any issues that arise, and seek professional help when needed. We work on our relationship daily, and I feel like our romantic bond has deepened because of this shared commitment to our unique family dynamic.

Our findings may change in the future; there is no one “right” way

Our children have adapted well to the division of labor in our family. It is encouraging to know that I am setting an example of entrepreneurship, hard work, and determination.

Our 11-year-old daughter, who has expressed admiration for my work ethic, often takes an interest in my projects and has even been inspired to start a small business selling handmade cloth diapers. Both of our daughters understand the value of perseverance and often talk about their visions for their future careers.

While our current arrangement works for us now, we are open to changing it as our family needs change. We have discussed the possibility of my husband returning to work part-time or taking on his own business ventures more seriously as our children grow older and become more independent.

Our children grow up knowing that there is no one “right” way to start a family and that teamwork and support play a key role in relationships.

If you have an unusual household structure and would like to share your story, please email Jane Zhang at [email protected].

Read the original article on Business Insider