I’m a woman in tech. The men I date treat me in one of two ways.

The first is a man so enamored with my career that he creates an unrealistic caricature of me as his dream girl in the tech industry. The second is a man who disregards my successes because he sees my winnings as a threat to his ego.

Honestly, I don’t know what’s worse.

I am 26 now and I am still looking for a man who is confident in his identity and sees me for who I am.

The men I meet are intimidated by my success

While studying computer science in college, I began to notice that my career was getting in the way of relationships. During my senior year, I had already secured a job after college, but I started dating a fellow computer science student who was still looking for work. I did everything I could to help him find opportunities, apply for jobs, and prepare for interviews.

As my graduation date approached, I received an unexpected message from him saying he was ending our relationship because he didn’t have time to devote his attention to me.

I thought maybe he meant he needed to focus on finding a job, but then he texted, “You have a job offer and I don’t. Sorry.”

This tendency towards admiration and intimidation on the part of men continued throughout my professional career.

Tech guys tend to belittle my accomplishments

I’ve typically met guys through mutual friends and more recently through dating apps. Most of the guys I date are also in the tech business because I love having someone to goof off with — but I feel like whenever the topic of my work comes up, they minimize my successes and move away from career conversations.

I remember excitedly telling my ex about a successful presentation I gave at work, and he immediately belittled the achievement, suggesting it went well because I probably made the entire team laugh.

He knew I was looking for his approval and I felt he was deliberately withholding approval until he needed to regain attention or control. At the time, he was struggling in his tech career, so now I see that his firing was a reflection of his insecurities. I eventually broke up with him when I was exhausted from the constant put-downs.

It’s funny because a few years later he asked me for some programming advice and complimented me on my skills – but it was too little, too late.

Sadly, many of my female friends in tech can relate to this. I’ve heard many instances of men asking my female friends out on dates as a “joke,” but it comes across as a serious disregard for their intelligence.

I’m not the girl of your dreams

The other side of the coin is men who get a little too excited about the idea of ​​dating a woman in tech and treat me like their crazy dream fairy.

The term is usually used to describe quirky, fictional female characters who “transform a man through capricious means,” so I never thought it could apply to me. But a guy in college and a few men on dating apps have called me one.

I hate that the term is focused on men when my quirks are my true way of navigating the world. I am fun and neurodivergent, with a colorful sense of fashion and nerdy interests, none of which are intended for men.

I don’t like being treated like a rare gem.

I briefly dated a guy who treated me like a rare gem. He drew conclusions from me and marveled at my (some might say cliched) answers. For example, he asked me what my favorite flavor of ice cream was and I think I said mint. He looked at me in awe, noting how unique and different I was from other girls. It was funny.

We kept in touch for a few weeks, even though his enthusiasm put me off, but things came to a head when I told him I had gotten a new job at a financial institution.

He was furious and told me he was mad that I wasn’t pursuing my “dream” of gaming. Sure, I liked gaming, but I never said it was my dream. I was young and uneasy, so I brushed it off, telling him I just needed a job to pay the bills.

He seemed extremely disappointed that I didn’t fit his idea of ​​a nerd/gamer aesthetic.

I am no longer satisfied with men who do not accept me completely.

I want to make it clear that not every man I’ve dated has unfairly categorized me. I’ve had some great relationships where I’ve felt respected and truly seen. However, they’ve ended due to issues that are fairly typical of the modern dating scene, such as not being ready to settle down, disappearing, or simply fizzling out.

Ultimately, I would like to find a serious relationship, but being single is so much more fulfilling than settling into a relationship that isn’t working for me. I want someone I can connect with deeply and who will add to my already thriving life.

These days, when I go on a date, I’m honest about my career and success and use that as a litmus test to see if they have any preconceptions about me. I share the pride I have in my career because I know that a strong relationship is built on celebrating each other’s successes. I won’t settle for someone who doesn’t see and respect me for who I am.

If your career in tech or finance has made it difficult for you to date and you would like to share your story, please email Tess Martinelli at [email protected]