These sex myths are holding your relationship back

Sexual Myths (SM) are obstacles to a thriving sexual relationship.

MS are false beliefs and attitudes that affect a couple’s sex life. These are unquestioned, hidden ideas and can contribute to unrealistic expectations and unnecessary pressure.

If they take root, SMs can lead to dissatisfaction or problems in the bedroom. It’s important to identify the myth you hold and challenge it.

Here we have described some SMs and how to counter them.

Please note that there are many MSs out there and this list is by no means exhaustive.

Spontaneity is key

This is the belief that sex should always be spontaneous and unplanned. However, clinging to this myth can lead to a lack of sex. In a busy life, it’s easy to fall off the priority list.

This myth disregards the importance of communication and intentionality in a healthy and active sex life.

Solution: Schedule sex into your life. In the My Love Your Love app, we’ve created an exercise where you discuss and plan sex called “Making Time for Sex Time.”

Penetration sex is the only real sex

It is a misconception that sex is only valid if it involves penetrative intercourse.

Such a myth downplays the diversity of sexuality and intimate activities while increasing pressure to engage in penetrative sex, which can lead to performance issues for both men and women.

Neglects other forms of sexual pleasure that may be equally or more sexually satisfying. Solution: Spend more time having non-penetrative sex. View foreplay as sex, not something that happens before sex. Try a sexual challenge without penetration and focus only on touch.

Orgasms are essential to achieving satisfaction

This myth perpetuates the idea that every sexual encounter must lead to orgasm for both partners to find it successful and satisfying.

Holding on to this myth will lead to frustration and even resentment. Orgasms are wonderful, but they can be elusive, especially if you’re stressed, depressed, or stuck in your thoughts. Performance pressure is real when it comes to arousal and orgasm. The more pressure you put on yourself to get aroused or orgasm, the more elusive that arousal and orgasm will become.

People vary in their ability to orgasm, so by clinging to this myth, you will unknowingly increase the pressure on yourself or your partner, which will inevitably backfire.

Solution: During sex, focus on the process, not the end result. Spend more time on foreplay and come to terms with ending sex if you no longer feel desired.

In long-term relationships, desire decreases

This myth assumes that desire decreases as people in long-term relationships age.

Holding on to this assumption will inevitably lead to neglect of your sexual relationship.

Age may be one factor that affects sex drive, but there are many others, including changes in physical and mental health, relationship dynamics, and attitudes toward sex. Holding on to such a myth disregards the need to invest in your sexual relationship, no matter what stage of life you are in. It also overlooks the potential for a fulfilling and fulfilling sex life at every stage of life.

Solution: Prioritize your sex life. Talk about sex regularly. Rekindle your passion and desire.

No communication is needed

This myth assumes that partners should know each other’s desires and preferences without the need for open and honest communication. This can result in unsatisfactory sexual encounters and avoidance of sex.

Everyone is different and will have different preferences when it comes to arousal and sex. It’s unlikely that you will have the same preferences as each other or previous partners.

Solution: Talk to your partner about what you like and don’t like.

More is always better

It is a misconception that the amount of sexual contact is proportional to the quality of the relationship. He places quantity over quality in sexual contact, ignoring the importance of emotional connection and intimacy.

Solution: Shift your attention away from how much sex you’re having and onto the quality of it. Plan a time to engage in sexual contact when no one will disturb you or be in a hurry.

Sex should be perfect every time

This myth is based on the belief that every sexual encounter should be flawless, without any challenges or awkward moments.

Holding this view will inevitably lead to disappointment and frustration. Sex can be revealing and messy. You may encounter awkward positions, sensations, and sounds.

Arousal varies from day to day and may be influenced by your current health condition and your presence. So it’s impossible for every sexual encounter to be flawless.

Solution: Try to view every sexual encounter as an opportunity to be with your partner. Focus on intent and connection, not the set of results.

Sex is easy and natural

This is the idea that good sex should happen naturally and effortlessly, without the need for learning, practice or effort.

Sex is something we get better at with practice and exploration, so clinging to the myth that it should be easy and natural not only results in disappointment during sex, but also prevents you from exploring the potential of your sexual relationship.

Solution: Talk to your partner about what kind of sex you both would like for this particular sexual encounter. Be open to new experiences and provide encouraging feedback at all times.

Men always want sex, women don’t

This myth is based on stereotypical assumptions about gender and sexuality, perpetuating the idea that men are always ready for sex, while women are not as interested in it.

This myth puts undue pressure on men to engage in sexual activity at any time, while diminishing women’s desires as secondary to men’s desires.

Solution: Talk about when each of you prefers sex and take turns initiating sex.

If your sex life has been blocked by TSD or MS, you are missing out on the wonderful benefits of a healthy sex life throughout your relationship.

Edited extract from The 8 Love Links (Publish Central $34.95) by Shahn Baker Sorekli and Helen Robertson. Shahn and Helen are clinical psychologists couples therapists, as well as co-founders of the My Love couples coaching application Your Love. More information can be found at www.8lovelinks.com