Young woman holds her mother at arm’s length on social media

Dear Abby
| Jeanne Philips

Dear Abby: I am the mother of an 18-year-old girl named “Leia”. We have always tried to keep the lines of communication open with our children, and I think we have a strong, positive family bond.

My best friend recently told me that Leia has a public Instagram account. I can’t find his account when I search, which means he blocked me. The account was created three years ago when he was still a minor. I’m not happy with this. When asked at the time, Leia repeatedly told us that she did not have an Instagram account; but I always suspected it was because most teenagers his age were busy on social media.

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I want Leia to unblock me so I can see her beautiful pictures. I’m not a harsh critic or a negative person, but Leia often interprets my comments that way. I think he blocked me because he treats any observation or comment I might make as parental monitoring. I told him over and over that I wasn’t trying to stalk him.

We have always given our children what we consider to be a high degree of personal freedom. I just want to see the beautiful images he shares. How can I explain this to him politely and ask him to let me see his account?

— Blocked in New York

Dear Blocked: I don’t recommend asking your now-adult daughter to unblock social media. You mentioned that Leia often interprets your comments and observations as critical and offensive, and that may be why she blocked you. Since you miss seeing her “beautiful pictures”, ask your close friend to show you them on her computer or mobile phone. This way your curiosity will be satisfied and Leia won’t feel invaded.

Dear Abby: I was in a relationship with “Marvin” for 30 years, mostly as a married couple. He has many bad habits; drinking and abuse were the main problems. Our divorce was finalized two months ago. Marvin’s behavior was so poor that if I told anyone this they would lose respect for him and he would definitely lose his job. So I kept his secrets at my own expense. If I had shared what was really going on, Marvin would have suffered the consequences. He was isolated and alone.

I’ve been hiding this shame for so long that I don’t know what to tell people now that we’re divorced. I want to tell the truth about what I’ve been through, but I don’t want it to seem like I’m being mean to my ex. How can I open up without the pain appearing?

— Held in Washington

Dear Held Back: It’s time to talk openly with someone. A licensed therapist’s office would be a good place to start. Your doctor or health insurer can refer you to someone qualified. If you want to make sure you won’t be seen as a “bad divorcee,” confide in your closest friends. When you do this, explain that you knew you should have talked sooner, but you were afraid Marvin would lose his job if you did, and it would negatively affect you both.

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