What is a plug ring? I got one and canceled the wedding

When I met my now ex-fiancé, I didn’t plan an elaborate wedding or have high expectations for where our relationship could go. At first we were just friends. This friendship then blossomed into a deep connection and eventually a romantic relationship.

I was 28 years old, and after years of living with free-spirited, phobic men, I felt lucky. He was joyful, kind and attentive. Not to mention, he was an excellent cook, came from the same culture as me, and lived just a few minutes away.

But as a hopeless romantic who has witnessed many of my friends getting married, I hoped for what many women do in their 20s – and for what movies always promise us: a proposal to live together and, of course, a ring .

After three and a half years of marriage, I was ready for the next step. And, as many strong and confident women do, when we want something, I asked for it. I fought for this. I fought for him to recognize this relationship as something serious, something important. I fought to make him understand that we needed to think about next steps. I fought for him to understand that my needs and desires mattered.

So he proposed.

Two years later, I now realize that I received the “shut up ring.”

If you haven’t heard of him, don’t worry—I hadn’t either, until I was scrolling through TikTok and this very articulate woman in her 30s explained how she married the man who gave her a “shut up” ring. “She thought he would change some things when they got married, but nothing changed. In fact, things got worse and they got divorced.

The “Shut Up Ring” is a ring that is given to a partner who constantly asks for next steps to satisfy them for a period of time. I didn’t think so at the time, but after listening to my soul sister on TikTok, I realized that I, too, was being given the signal to “shut up.” And the only reason our stories ended differently was because I honestly couldn’t shut up.

About 2 1/2 months ago I canceled the weddingI felt disconnected, frustrated and unhappy. We were looking to buy a house and after several open houses and showings, I felt like something was wrong. I noticed that there was a real disconnect between us, and when I thought about the future, I didn’t care. At some point I said something unpleasant to him on the phone. I didn’t recognize myself. When we hung up, I realized how much I had changed: I had never said such unkind words before. Relationships no longer brought out the best in me. I didn’t feel like myself.

Everyone around me said that it was “normal” to feel stressed and depressed when wedding planningbut that wasn’t the case for me. I found an amazing wedding photographer, chose the venue, chose the centerpieces, and loved it all. (If anyone needs a good idea for an October wedding, I’m your girl!) Planning the wedding was easy for me.; trusting my instincts when everyone around me was asking me questions was difficult. I thought to myself, “Why did planning this wedding make me feel so alone? Why did this engagement and trying to find a home feel so forced? Why did I stop feeling like myself?”

I wondered if our values ​​really aligned—my desire to travel and his desire to be closer to family. I wondered if we shared the same vision of the future—whether my zest for life and desire to build an empire would match his satisfaction with life as it was. I wondered if we had as much respect as love for each other. I wondered if we would be good partners or just good comrades.

I had no plans to break up or break off my engagement. I didn’t realize that I had reached the peak of bitterness and disappointment. But one day while chatting on the couch about the status of our house hunt and long-term goals, I realized we weren’t on the same page. And if we couldn’t be on the same page now, how could I expect us to be on the same page later? I took mine ring took it off and returned it to him. We said a tearful goodbye and that was the last time I saw or spoke to him for months.

I knew this will not be the way my marriage, my life’s purpose, was supposed to begin. I decided that stress comes in times of change, but that I shouldn’t end up feeling disconnected, alone, or worse, like the ugliest version of myself. That it is better to end this now than to continue to fight, lead and hope that things will change.

In the weeks that followed, I had to do some difficult things: I had to cancel all of my vendors, call friends and parents to break the news, and respond to several direct messages on Instagram from people who found out about the breakup through the grapevine of my abusive attitude. -knit the Greek community. Soon after, I hid and cried in the bathroom at a social event to avoid questions and constant comments. I was heartbroken—my life had been turned upside down—but I also felt relieved, and that helped me move on.

It’s been two years since I called it off. Here’s what I now know to be true:

If you I want to get marriedyou deserve to be excited about the possibilities this opens up. You deserve someone to ask you because they want it just as much as you do. You deserve to trust the timing of your relationship and not feel like you need to force it. You deserve a partner who wants to be a spouse, not just a boyfriend or girlfriend. You deserve a ring that illuminates you, not silences you.

As my one year wedding anniversary approaches, I am so grateful that I canceled it. Because I decided I deserved better. And, as the Universe wanted, in the end I got it. I’m writing this from my current partner’s house. We’ve been together for just over a year, and the progress we’ve made in this relationship feels easy, natural, and incredibly healing. It showed me, as I hope it will show you, that there is no need to force what is meant for you. There is no need to convince anyone that you are worth it. That your needs and desires matter and that you can trust yourself and your intuition when it comes to making a big decision in your life. And that sometimes it’s just No meant to be. And sometimes this is a good enough reason for this. No be.